what if every blade of grass was a penis?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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