my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
