I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
