You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
