can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
