I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
