News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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