she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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