So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
