If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
