um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
