UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
