Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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