I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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