I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
