My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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