just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
