I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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