you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
