After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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