so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
