then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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