I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
