Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
