I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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