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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
