Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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