what day is it and did you see me today?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
