I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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