This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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