im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
