Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
