just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
