Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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