i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
