i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
