I think I am morally bankrupt
and she was petting her beer can
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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