Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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