haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
