i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
