Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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