like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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