Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
