I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
