Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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