I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
