don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
