my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
