Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
