"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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