Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
