We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
