she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
