my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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