Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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