Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize