So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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